All the Lies and Pain

Everything he told me was a lie. He said he wasn’t going to see anyone else and wasn’t trying to, but the reality was he already had someone. How do you tell someone that and lead them on? I can’t stop thinking about all the things he lied to me about and I can’t figure out why. Why did I deserve to be lied to about everything? About his trips, about us working it out, about there being someone else, about missing me… why?

Do you have any idea what it feels like to try to sleep every night and you can’t because he is in your dreams and in your nightmares. Do have any idea how it feels to want to stop crying but you can’t. Do you know how it feels to be so empty inside and know that the love you shared that you thought was true was nothing but a farce? I can’t even function because the one person I trusted and gave my all too did this to me. I’m down to 129 pounds because I can’t even eat without feeling like throwing up. I pray every night that I don’t wake up in the morning so that I don’t have to face another day of this heartache and hurt. And then I do wake up and have to force myself to get into the shower and get dressed even though I don’t want to. I went to the doctor today to get meds to help me through this. He told me it’s not going to make me numb, but that’s what I want to be. I don’t want to feel anything. I want this asshole out of my head and I want to erase 6 years and pretend he never existed. How do you do that? How do you recover from something like this? I just lost the person I thought was my best friend; the person I talked to every day for 6 years. Now he’s gone and I can’t even ever talk to him again. I thought I had finally found someone who was truly wonderful and who truly loved me. It was all a lie. I don’t understand what kind of person does this to someone. I feel so alone and so ashamed for letting myself be so vulnerable. I am sick to my stomach over this. Why did I have to suffer for being depressed in last year? Isn’t the person you love supposed to be there for you during the worst of times? Instead, he was more concerned he “wasn’t getting any” and ran off into the arms of another woman. If he wasn’t planning to give me a chance, then why did he say we would work on things and see where they go. Why not just let me go? And now I am stuck in a web of pain and sorrow that’s so deep, I can’t find my way out. God sent temptation to test him and David failed. I guess I should be thankful that it happened before I married him, but I am still hurt. We’ve only been broke up for 2 months and it feels like just yesterday that my parents showed up to tell me because he was too much of a coward to do it himself. How do you hate someone you love so much? Because I do… I hate him for this, but I can’t make the love go away, and I want it gone. This is the thanks I get for being honest and faithful and giving all of my heart. I want a life of happiness back. I want to meet someone that will love me and hold me and tell me it will be okay; someone who is honest and doesn’t hide things. That’s all I have ever wanted. God, please send him to me. I’m begging, because I can’t take much more of this.