Walking away

September 13th, 2007 Posted in Misc.

I’m tired… mentally exhausted. I’m the only one fighting for something where I’m just being strung along. I can’t do it anymore. He lies and breaks promises instead of trying to work things out with me. He tells me I don’t give him time. We’ve been broken up 2 months and prior to that he was gone 2 months traveling. We talk once a day, usually when he tells me to call, and then that call is 5 minutes. I need more and obviously I was a fool to think I could get more from him. He is not the man I fell in love with and is trying to be mean and controlling and I cannot take it anymore. I’m falling out of love fast with him and I am really starting to hate the person he has become. His friends want to take his side and “come take care of me” for what I post here, but you don’t know the things that David does that prove he has no morals, standards, or virtues. If you only knew half of what I do you would see. Trust me, there is more there than you would ever begin to know… stuff that could and probably will ruin his life. At least I don’t have to be a part of it anymore.

I deserve better and want a man that loves me. He cannot give that because he doesn’t even love himself enough to put his life on track… he’s never been able to do that and it’s sad. I only wanted to help him. My only problem is that he keeps saying he loves me, keeps saying he hopes that someday it will work out… but really I think he is too afraid to tell me that he doesn’t want it to. So I had to come to that realization last night and I am upset because I deserve better. He doesn’t know what better is. Apparently I didn’t for the last 6 years either. But now I do. I am financially stable, always was (even without a job) and I can make my dreams come true on my own. “Mr Right” is out there somewhere and I just have to trust in God that he will send him to me somewhere in the future. I juat wanted so badly for “Mr Right” to be him. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I am successful, smart, beautiful, desirable, in control of my finances, I don’t lie and cheat, I love kids and want a family, and my morals and virtues are in place. Who wouldn’t want that? His problem was that I made him face life and he doesn’t like that… to him life is a party and he spends money he doesn’t have in order to make that happen. Someday it has to get real and you have to grow up or you will lose everything. At least I am no longer involved and he can’t take me downhill with him… I let him do that for the last year living with him. I was left in a position where I had to depend on him only to find I couldn’t.

But now I have to walk away… it’s all that’s left. And unfortunately, if what he says is true and he does hope it will work out… it will be too late. I’ve seen how ugly he can be and I don’t want any part of it anymore. I’m closing the door on the last 6 years… I’m only sorry that he had to ruin my good thoughts of our relationship, everywhere I traveled, our engagement, my family diamonds, my wedding, etc. Those things I can never have back.

  1. 6 Responses to “Walking away”

  2. By Mom on Sep 13, 2007

    God will open another door and you WILL find Mr. Right, and have the dreams that you aspire to Erin. I am so pleased to see that you see your value and worth… finally! You are everything you stated and more. Trust that God has a plan, and that your life will get better. Trust that you have the strength to move on. Trust that your friends and family are here to love and comfort and guide you. Trust that you are loved… really loved and cherished. I am sorry for your pain and that you have to ache so in the realization that someone you trusted and loved was a liar and a cheat and not who you thought… but… do not think of this past year as a failure, think of it as a learning experience and with learning comes enlightenment.

    I hope that you will also (yes here comes the lecture) not look to cigarettes or alcohol to take away the pain of what you are feeling. Stand up and say I am BETTER than what I had to live with the past year, and see that some really fantastic man is there waiting just for you. New friends are there for you…make new friends, find new hobbies, and PLEASE i beg you… PLEASE ditch the cigarettes. You have always been health conscious and you KNOW that cigarettes kill. There is nothing good in them for your body and your body needs good nutrients not chemicals and toxins, tars, and poisons. Do not make me come down there and break them. I lost two wonderful people I loved to cancer due to smoking. I would post all the harmful chemicals and tars and shit they have … far worse than eating red meat, but i will save that for another post! I know you are sitting there rolling your eyes for this little rant, but thats my job as your mother to tell you what i think is best for you!!! (It says so on page 2 of the Parent Manual!) Cigarettes also age your skin as well as put you at risk for so many other health related illnesses. Smoking is addictive and hard to quit. Please stop. (Rant over for now!) I love you.

  3. By Mom on Sep 13, 2007

    PS.
    Yes, you can have those things back, every one of those things and more. This time with a person who will understand commitment, promise, and selfless unconditional love.

  4. By La on Sep 13, 2007

    Someone comes after you and God help them and David- they have seen nothing yet. It does suprise me some that he has friends- users usually don’t!
    And all I can say is AMEN- I won’t my happy, beautiful, talented niece back- and noone but you can make that happen. The great part is- when you get you back- other great things will happen- trust me, trust your family, trust God.
    Talk to you soon.

  5. By Kristina on Sep 13, 2007

    YOU GO GIRL! I have been waiting for so long to hear those words come out of your mouth. I have always known what a beautiful stong woman you are and known that you only deserve the best. I am glad you are finally realizing that.

    I love you so much and only want the best for you. Whether it is with David or not….which you know my opinion on that…you will make it.

    I am so proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. By Tracy on Sep 14, 2007

    I too am so happy to see that you are at the next stage, where you can accept things and realize that you WILL survive and CAN move on to better things; I know how difficult it has been, but the worst is behind you, you have to believe that and you will see it is true. Say goodbye and start living your life to the BEST of your ability. And I agree – get rid of the smokes!!!! An occasional glass of wine I approve of (it is good for you a little!) but cigarettes???!!! Come on! For someone who is SO health conscious (you buy free-range chicken for Christ’s sake!), you of all people should be smarter than that!!! Okay, there’s my lecture … keep happy!!!

  7. By Beth on Sep 18, 2007

    I’m glad you are finally seeing it E. It won’t be easy, but you need to move on. He doesn’t deserve you. He can’t see all the good things you did for him, cause they far outweigh the bad. I know, I used to be one of David’s biggest supporters, but he has shown his true colors. He’s not willing to grow up. The fact that he keeps stringing you along, just shows what kind of a person he is. If he really did want it to work, he’d be trying, not pushing you away. He’s being mean and nasty and you don’t deserve to keep fighting for someone who treats you that way. You WILL find someone who is right for you, but for now, use this time to find yourself. You are already on your way to doing that. Sometimes being alone for a while is the best thing we can do for ourselves. I know, I got out of a relationship (if you can call it that) with a user (you’re right La, my user had a hard time keeping friends cause he didn’t understand that friends take commitment and time too). Hang in there… I won’t say keep smoking, but right now, you do what you got to do to get by. Just remember why it is you quit in the first place and you’ll get there again. Love you (even though you don’t return my calls when I’m worried about you).

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