Utter despair
September 4th, 2007 Posted in Misc.I can’t seem to get past this. I fell apart this weekend and needed him the most and he abandoned me. I just needed to hear his voice to help get me through the day and he couldn’t give me that. I am so hurt and confused and alone. I can’t expect anyone to understand, but I love him with so much of my heart and soul that it encompasses me… it takes over completely. All I can do is cry. I pushed him away by something I said and I can probably never get him back now. It wasn’t even something that I meant; I was only trying to hang on and get him to talk to me. I regret it and now I’ve lost everything. He punished me by not even calling yesterday, when I needed his support more than anything. I can’t even begin to tell you how that feels. My heart is broken so badly that it’s never going to repair. I will never be the same. I loved someone that was not capable of loving me or even caring about me… and that’s a hard truth to face after spending six years with someone. I just want to put all the bad things behind us and start over, but I don’t think he will ever let us. I just want the pain and heartache to stop. I want to feel whole again. I want to believe in love again and I just can’t… ever. I’m so tired of loving people so much and giving it my all and having them leave me, lie to me, cheat on me, etc. I’ve seen it too many times and I just can’t go through it again. I’m tired and I would rather be alone than face going through this again. It’s just to painful… and I don’t think I have any pieces of my heart left to pick up.
For those who cannot get the video below, I thought I would post the lyrics:
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do
2 Responses to “Utter despair”
By Mom on Sep 6, 2007
I wish so much I was there to hug you and tell you it will be all right. I know it doesn’t feel like it now but it will. Take it one step at a time. I dunno why this has happened but it brought you to a great job, and you have friends and family that care so very much for you. I guess it would be nice to know that someone that you spent six years with had some compassion and love enough to understand how difficult Monday was for you. As always I pray for you and ask that God will bless you with joy and happiness soon.
Hang in there Erin. I love you.
By Lisa on Sep 6, 2007
I think part of the reason we feel so much pain when we lose someone this way is because we don’t like to be wrong. We only want to see “the one that got away” in a perfect light as we position them up on their pedestal. We want to believe in all the dreams we had with this person, even if the reality is far different. David is human, as we all are, and he has “effed” you up. He is not your perfect mate, otherwise he would be trying to work through this with you, he would be remorseful for his behavior and would not continue to hurt you. The biggest favor he could do for you right now is piss you off once and for all and help you see him for what he is. (Please stop blaming yourself for pushing him away – this is a classic “it’s not you, it’s me” scenario and the truth is it IS him.) It’s hard to remember just how bad all the bad stuff is when your heart is breaking. When you are ready, you will recognize that you are far better off without his baggage, his damage, his flaws and him. (Again, time is your friend.) Don’t give up on true love Erin, it’s real and you will find it. Do give up on a future with this guy. You may never completely get over this pain and will never be able to fully forgive and forget his actions. You will, however, find someone who “walks the talk” and wants to love you for the extraordinary person you are. But before you can find true happiness, you have to let go of this tragically imperfect guy who can’t give you what you want and deserve in a partner. Until then, look to your family and friends for your support and happiness. They are your future and there are lot of good times to be had! Take care of yourself, pal. Lisa