Take nothing for granted

August 30th, 2007 Posted in Misc.

I keep wondering when things are going to get better, and day by day they seem to be getting worse. I just cannot stop thinking about things and missing him. I want to go back to when we had a good thing. Sometimes I think that moving to Richmond was the worst thing I could have ever done because it prevented every other area of my life from growing, and my life sliding hurt our relationship. The only thing I enjoyed was being with him. I’ve been thinking back to times when I was happy in my life, and ya know… the only time I was ever truly happy was when I was with him. I felt like he brought me back to life and gave me fresh air every single day. I looked forward to just the little moments with him. I miss those and now all I do is cry. Even when I don’t want to, I can’t stop the tears from coming. It’s been over five weeks and I still feel like it was yesterday. You don’t recover from losing the love of your life. What it has taught me that nothing in life is guaranteed… NOTHING. Not love, not people, not success, not money, not stability, not even happiness. The ones that you count on the most to be there, sooner or later aren’t there. The ones that tell you they will love you no matter what, change their story. The jobs that you think are so great and seem to define a part of who you are get ripped out from underneath you even though you’ve done nothing wrong. The money that you think will be there for one thing or another all of a sudden is gone because of something breaking or an unexpected bill or it getting stolen or whatever. Nothing is guaranteed. And so I wake up each day, try to get through it without tears, fail miserably and then cry to sleep. I just want this nightmare to be over. I want to wake up with my love next to me and hold him like I used to in the morning, and cook him breakfast and watch movies or go to the park… all of those stupid little things meant so much to me and now they are gone. I can’t figure out how to pick myself back up. The only joy I have right now is with my job, but even that is hard to get through day by day when you have so much on your mind. I just feel like there is such pressure on me all the time that I can’t lift off… I’m suffocating and I just want one good breathe of fresh air to revive me. And right now, I just don’t think it’s going to happen unless him and can work things out. I’ll get by… but I wouldn’t call what I’m doing “living.” I’m only just surviving, one minute at a time… and sometimes those minutes feel like hours and days. I deserve happiness and I just want it back… and the only place I have ever had that is with him. Every other relationship I was in was horrible for one reason or another. This was the first one I ever had that I knew (or at least I thought I knew) was forever. I wanted to have a family with him and raise our kids together, and I wanted to grow old with him. He’s the only person that I have ever been able to just sit with and be perfectly content, and he was my best friend. You’re supposed to marry and grow old with your best friend… and now that’s all gone. All of my dreams are gone, because they all included him. I have no more hopes, no more wishes, no more plans for the future… hell, I can’t even make it through one day let alone look a week in advance. I just want my heart to stop hurting. If this wasn’t right, my heart and soul would not hurt this bad. A piece of me is now missing and I just don’t think I can get it back. I want it back. I want him back. I want to hold his hand and feel his arms around me again. I want to laugh at each other’s stupid jokes, and cook together in the kitchen. I want to help him pick out his clothes for his trips like I used to, and get excited to see him and pick him up from the airport when he came in from a trip. I want him to get excited when I get new clothes and ask for a fashion show, the way he used to. I want him to tell me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. I want him to respect me and cherish me like he did before. I would even be happy if he would just talk to me for more than 10 minutes, which is about all I get now. He is the one thing that I took for granted and now I can’t go back. We can’t go back and I’m the one who is devastated. I will not recover from this… I know, everyone says you will but there are some things you don’t and this is one of those for me for a number of reasons. It changes you.

For those who do read my blog, just take a moment and love the one you’re with, even if it is just for five minutes. Tell them you love them and really mean it. Don’t take them or their love for granted, because it is not guaranteed and it may not be there tomorrow. Cherish those moments, even if they are small. And love each other, because there are those of us out there that will never find it again.

  1. 8 Responses to “Take nothing for granted”

  2. By Hector on Aug 30, 2007

    your words saddened me, moved me inside, and yet in all this pain, I’m compelled to point out the silver lining in all this…something we can all learn from. There’s an old saying;

    “it’s better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved all all”

    of course the pain with loving someone so completely can sometimes be smothering, leaving you feeling helpless. But you should be proud of the fact that you CAN and HAVE, loved someone as you have done. There are people in this world that would kill to have experienced the love you had, would kill for the ABILITY to love completely, with every ounce of their being, but can’t. They can’t seem to do it either because of fear, or because they just don’t know how to let down those walls and let someone into their soul so deeply and fully.

    While the pain of that love being gone can be as immense as an ocean weighing down on you, never having had that, must be as hollow as space itself. So be proud that you have that trait, its something not everyone has, and don’t let this experience change who you are, don’t turn into one of those people I mentioned above, crippled by their inability to TRULY love.

    it’s not how many times you fall that matters, its how many times you get up and try again… Be it with David or another, get up, hold you head high and try again. I’ll leave you with a couple quotes that I felt were inspiring to me, I hope they help anyone reading;

    “In great attempts, it is glorious even to fail.”

    “The good Lord gave you a body that can stand most anything. It’s your mind you have to convince.”

  3. By La on Aug 30, 2007

    Your right about no guarantees- the person you love could die tomorrow, leave tomorrow, change tomorrow. It doesn’t change the fact that the person left behind has to get up and go on. If you think you never will smile again- it will be a long time before you do. If you choose to fight back and say- I’ll make it through- you will.
    I told myself this new boss was not going to bring me down or micromanage me like my friend- I put some things in place and we get along really well- it’s all how you want to handle the situation and it’s all about faith. I knew God would not give me more than I could bare and I knew I was strong and I also love a good challenge- it was still up to me. And the next chapter of your life is up to you. I hope it is a good one!

  4. By Kristina on Aug 31, 2007

    Your post has saddened me deeply. It upsets me that you are going through this and I cannot be there with you, to help you get through this pain. I don’t want you to think that everyone leaves and that you can’t trust anyone. Your family will always be there no matter what. Your friends will always stand by your side. And you will forever have YOU! Like I have said a thousand times, you are a smart, beautiful and strong woman. You will get through this! Right now you are running on pure emotion and can’t see the person that David really is…I would love to elaborate on that, but out of respect I will not do that here. When the pain subsides, you will understand why God put you through this, and why God chose for him not to be in your life anymore. You will look back on this and thank God that you did not marry him. If you look on the brighter side of things, at least you didn’t get married, have children, and get left behind as a single mom raising children with no father. Trust me…I know that is hard right now, but you will get through this and become even stronger. I love you very much and hope to talk to you soon. Hang in there and everything will be ok.

  5. By Mom on Aug 31, 2007

    You are not alone. My thoughts almost every moment of every day are of you. I worry. I cry. I call and hear the sorrow and sadness in your voice and struggle to know what the best thing to say to you is. I fail miserably.

    I have taken to talking to God, Grandpa Culver, Mama and Papa and Lulu and my friend Kevin for answers I know won’t be easy to find. Still, I ask God for strength and guidance. I pray for the joy and happiness you richly deserve to come back to you soon. I ask for bravery to listen and not chime in with my own opinion. (That’s a tough one!) I ask for kindness when all I feel inside is anger. I ask to be what you NEED me to be. I know that sometimes life lets us down, but I don’t want us to let each other down. I ask for forgiveness for anything I did as a parent that caused you pain. I ask God to take the pain away from you and let me shoulder it for awhile so you will be able to have sleep filled nights and mornings without tears and sadness. But mostly I ask God to give you faith. Faith and belief that a BETTER life is on the way and that you will have the courage to find it. I also ask for the Lord to allow me forgiveness of David for what he has done and is doing that hurts you. It is too easy to hold onto anger and those strong detrimental emotions that cripple us. (I must admit that is another realllly hard one!) I also ask the Lord to allow David to see what a prize you are and to have the humility to see his own growth areas and courage enough to seek whatever council he needs to improve his shortcomings. Relationships take TWO people. If you and David’s relationship will ever work, he needs to change his behaviors as well. If he can’t Erin, then you need to move on. As hard as that is.

    The weekend is here… I choke up a lot as I am sure you have and will. Pray, call, go do something that will take your mind off the weekend. Take photographs of the glorious North carolkina Blue Ridge Mts. Know that you are with me every second of the day and night. You are not alone. Daddy and I love you.

  6. By Mom on Aug 31, 2007

    typo…. Carolina* (ouch!)

  7. By Mom on Aug 31, 2007

    I also wish to say thank you for the reminder not to take those we love for granted. It is too easy in the every day grind of life to do that until one day we are faced with a tragedy or loss.

  8. By Robyn on Aug 31, 2007

    My thoughts and prayers are with you this weekend, Erin. I’m so sorry that you are going through such pain. It sounds like you have a wonderful family support system. So even though you feel like the world is falling down around you, your family and friends will give you the strength you need to make it through all this.
    God Bless.

  9. By Vanessa on Sep 1, 2007

    There is one guarentee- GOD. His love is perfect. He is waiting for you to give over your burdens to Him. Rely on Him and His love.

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